You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him.

What I would like to talk about in this post is a issue that is very near and dear to my heart. There has been alot of publicity surrounding this issue as of lately, which I am sure you are all aware of. And with so many means of contact and interaction in the world now, this problem has grown and grown. This issue that I am speaking of is the fight against bullying. When I was younger I was bullied relentlessly. And I hate talking about it. When I think about things that people have said to me at school or when I think about that time period in general, I cringe. People think I am crazy when I say that I would never want to go back to my high school years, but the truth is I wouldn't even want to go back to my middle school years either. Now people think that this is an overreaction and that my school years couldn't have been that bad. To those people I either think they weren't bullied or they don't remember how it hurts you to the core. I remember how desperately it hurts, and at that point in your life you don't really think things can get better. It doesn't feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know I felt that way quite often. Now I never felt suicidal and I felt like I endured alot, so I can't even imagine how the people feel when they want to end it due to being bullied. In my case I really try to avoid talking about those years of my life. Some people don't really believe me when I say that I was a victim of bullying, or as stated before they just really don't think I am referring to true bullying. So I want to open up a little about my struggles because I had alot. But if me sharing helps one person then its worth opening up that wound a little bit. So here goes. I have always been a slightly awkward person. If you know me especially growing up then you know that I kept to myself alot, and I was not ideal socially. Now I have no clue how my sister got the "popular girl" gene and it just skipped over me. I was a very insecure person growing up, and still am sometimes to this day. I can always try to speculate on why this is but I don't really have a good excuse for it. I grew up with a loving family and although we had our differences we all love each other. Anyway, so anytime I was with people I always tended to fade into the background, which this was fine with me. Although attending the school that I went to for most of my life, it was very hard to just fade away because it was such a small school. There were anywhere from 10-12 people in my grade. I can honestly say that I really hated this school. It seemed like almost every day was a struggle. Here I was this ugly (I most definitely was not that pretty when I was younger, I was a late bloomer in the beauty department) awkward girl and I just didn't seem to fit in. I started going to this school in the 5th grade. At this school, since classes were so small, they usually combined 2 grades into 1 class. So I was in with the 6th graders and it was pretty brutal. None of the girls liked me at all and the guys just didn't seem to notice I was even there. The hardest thing I had to deal with at this grade was that I really didn't have any friends. And this was also the time that the "I Hate Hilary Club" was created. Now I might be dating myself by saying this, but this was around the time that the Babysitters Club books were pretty big. And everyone at school wanted to have their own little "club". Well I guess that is where the idea of my hate club started. I was very devastated when I found out about this. All the girls in my class (5th and 6th grade) were a part of this club. And evidently they would just sit on the swings at recess and talk about how much they hated me. Many times they wouldn't even care if I was in earshot or not. Being a little insecure anyways, this didn't help at all. No one liked me and they pretty much made sure I knew. I was repeatedly called "ugly" and many other hurtful words. I never got into any fights because I never stood up for myself. Even into my later years I wouldn't stand up for myself. Anyway, as time went on the "club" dissolved but that didn't mean that ppl started to like me. Going into high school I was still a little distant. I didn't have a boyfriend at this school because the guys would rather date someone beautiful and I wasn't that. I was nothing like the blond barbie bombshell in my class. I totally paled in comparison, if you even dared put us on the same playing field. I always tried to be nice and as time went on people just ignored me I guess. They were nice when they wanted something but really I was irrelevant. Now that I am irrelevant isn't really the part I call bullying. Saying hateful things about me, yes I feel that is bullying. I remember one time someone saying they wish I wasn't alive. People saying things on a daily basis that was meant to hurt me was a hard pill to swallow every day. I didn't want to be there, I would cry myself to sleep almost daily. I felt hated on a regular basis, people made sure that I knew they didn't like me. I remember once when I was in high school I got 2 letters about 2 or 3 days apart (I called them my "hate notes" which I still have tucked away in an old journal) and they were targeted toward the fact that I wasn't in the same league as a particular guy in school which whom I had a crush on. It went on to say that I basically wasn't good enough and that I was annoying and not pretty etc. Another hard pill to swallow. For days I dreaded going to my locker thinking I might find another one of these notes. Bullying? By all means yes. Moving along on my high school journey, I switched schools. After much pleading and begging my parents they finally switched me to a public school which was much larger then the small private school which I had attended. At first I was the "new girl". This attention was refreshing from the previous way I had been treated. And although I had a few little issues with this school, it was no where near the bullying I had experienced previously. I was still awkward and I guess you could say I was a geek, I was in band, chorus, drama club. I still managed to find friends and I even got a boyfriend at that school. There were still people that didn't like me and thought I was ugly yada yada, but I guess due to the size it wasn't as "in my face". I was still bullied but it was a different type of bullying, these people wanted to make me scared of them and I was. I had a big problem (and still do to this day) with an ex boyfriend and his girlfriend (now wife). They would threaten me, slash my tires, keyed my car etc. a very scary kind of bullying. I still struggle with this couple even now, but I am so much more confident in myself that they no longer present a problem to me. So was I bullied in school? Very much so. And alot of people will probably beg to differ but I remember how I felt and I remember how miserable I felt and how unimportant. So why am I sharing all this? Because I want people to know that it gets better. I want people to know that although it might not seem like it, there is life past high school. There is so much that is worth living for. And there are also people that are worth living for. It hurts my heart to hear of bullying, it hurts even worse that people feel like there is nothing to live for and that others make them feel this way. I am proof that things get better. I am still a little awkward when it come sto social situation but I am improving drastically. I don't consider myself the most beautiful person in the world, but I love running into people that used to call me ugly because I know now that I am not. I am married to an amazing man with 2 beautiful children. I have a great job and lots of friends that care about me and how I feel. I have more friends now then I did in my entire school life put together. I feel important and loved on a daily basis. I don't fade into the background anymore. I have confidence in myself that I have never had before. Is my life perfect? Not in the least bit. Do I love my life? By all means yes! It is very rare that I feel the way I did in high school. And when I happen to feel that way, the feeling doesn't last long. Life is so so very precious and only a small percent of it is spent in school and around people who are as cruel as they are in high school. Now you will always run into people that are like that and bullying doesn't completely stop after high school. But when you see the bigger picture you realize that those people are insignificant. There is so much life out there and so many things worth living for. Don't let those that bully you definite who you are. Rise above them, I did and I am so proud of the person that I have become. So if you are a victim of bullying please remember that you are important and amazing and that things will get better, I promise!!! And you can hold me to that!